How Not To Bake Chicken

A lot of people have spent considerable energy, time and bandwidth telling us how to cook chicken. And that is useful advice, if you’re going to follow it. Today, I’m going to tell you how NOT to cook chicken. This is also very useful advice, if you follow it.

Yesterday, we were going to a ballet matinee in Akron and I remembered that there were some split chicken breasts that had been defrosting in the fridge for a few days. I knew that they needed cooked before they spoiled, and figured if I cooked them before we left, DH could have some for his dinner since he was not going with us. So, an hour before we were supposed to leave, I put them in the oven. I’m sure you can see where this is going.

After 45 minutes, they weren’t quite done, so I left the oven on a bit longer while I got my things together. And then there was a rush of stuff all at once: DH wanted me to pick something* up in Akron near the ballet, so we had phone calls to the seller and hasty arrangements to meet him at a McDonald’s near Akron U’s campus. And then there was girls’ hair to brush, and shoes to find, and GPS units to be programmed. There was a melee of coat-donning and purse-grabbing.

There was not a moment of oven-turning-off-ing, unfortunately.

This was at 1pm, by the way.

At 7PM, when I returned home, the house smelled like a burnt porkchop. I know that smell intimately, because that is how my mom’s house smelled whenever she made porkchops. She cooked them until they were stiff and dry, because to her generation, pork was a dirty meat that had to be cooked ruthlessly until it harbored neither pathogen nor vitamin nor molecule of moisture.

So I’m here to tell you, from very personal experience, that if you leave your chicken in a 350F oven for SEVEN HOURS, it will be inedible and smell very much like a burnt porkchop. And you shouldn’t cook your chicken this way. Ever.

Seven hour chicken

You’re welcome.

*a Nerf blaster, if you must know

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