And The Winner Is….

It’s 7:30 PM Eastern time, and the teevee has started to spew out commentary about the outcome of the presidential race. On CNN, Anderson Cooper and Wolf Blitzer are in their Election Results Command Center. There is so much red, white and blue LED-lighting in the studio that it looks like the Fourth of July on acid. I guess you could say these guys have earned this, though. This is their moment of glory. This is what they live for. And after two-odd years of campaign commentary and spin, it’s nice to know the whole damn thing will be over in a few more hours. I can’t wait.

Wolf Blitzer’s Florida return numbers add up to 82 %. Wow. I bet that’s accurate. Oh, good- he fixed it. “You can see, we’re doing the math for you to make it relatively easy,” says Wolf. Because I can’t add to 100%. Apparently, neither can you.

This is a good race, though. The popular vote is 48% – 51% Obama (with only 1% of precincts reporting).
So far, Obama is projected to have 3 electoral votes and McCain is supposed to have 8. It will be fun to watch this progress through the evening.

I’m more interested in seeing what happens with Congress, however. I don’t mind much which candidate wins the presidency, but I do want to see some checks and balances. I want the republicans to at least have the filibuster (assuming the Dems will gain some seats in Congress). The idea of a unilateral executive branch with no real debate is kind of frightening. I like adversity (and diversity) in my government.

Almost 8PM: CNN is making a ballsy move and projecting that John McCain will win South Carolina. I say this is ballsy because their results show McCain has 44% of the votes and Obama has 55%. Now they are saying this is based on exit polls and “other data, including the history of the state”. Huh? This is strange. Maybe they have a hotline to Diebold, who has assured them that this is the case. Dunno.

8:23 PM: Obama now has 77 electoral votes and McCain has 34. A bunch more states in the Eastern quarter of the country have closed their polls and are starting to report. I am pretty sure Wolf has a hard-on at this juncture, though I can’t be sure since he’s standing next to some strange countertop. Anderson and his silver head are occasionally visible when the camera pans around the Command Center. I think he would be very annoying to work with. Just a guess.

Just saw a commercial for Norfolk and Southern on CNN, and another one for CSX on Fox. That makes me so happy. I have never ever ever in my entire life seen an ad for a train company. It makes my tummy warm and fuzzy.

8:29 PM: Fox news is not my favorite source, but I had to switch over for a few minutes and see what they had to say. I love their lower-screen banner. It says:

AMERICA’S ELECTION 2 * 0 * 0 * 8

I don’t know why that’s so funny to me. It looks sillier on my teevee than it probably does on your monitor right now.

Anyway, Fox News has projected that John McCain won Kentucky. That would mean obama has 103 electoral votes to McCain’s 45.

8:37 Megan Kelly is breaking down the results of the Pennsylvania vote on the “Launch Pad”. I think these people need another moon mission to report on or something, what with their Launch Pads and Command Centers.

8:44 Back to CNN, they’ve cut to their woman down in Phoenix who’s covering the McCain camp. She says that the McCain people are rather stoic and somber after the news that Pennsylvania is likely Obama’s win. Just then, a pop trio including an old guy on guitar and a 20-something dude on keyboards starts jamming in the background.

Another train ad for Norfolk & Southern. They’re talking about how many millions of frieght-loads they’ve taken off the road last year. I love it! Chooo Choooo!

8:51 James Carville is on. He has got to be one of the most annoying pundits I’ve ever watched. The only person who bugs me more is George Stephanopolous, but he doesn’t count since he’s a “journalist”.

I’ve had CNN on most of the evening. After a while, the chatter sort of fades into the background. But then it gets interrupted with a DUM DUM DUMDUM DUMMMMM…… CNN PROJECTION. Then they tell you that they’re calling a state in favor of one candidate or the other. They really psyche you up on CNN, they do. Keeps things exciting.

Ooh. Here’s a hot young guy on Fox news talking about the polls about to close at 9PM Eastern time. Cute young men in suits are so hot. I bet that’s why Obama’s doing so well.

Obama has 200 electoral votes and McCain’s down at 81. And Fox just called Ohio for Obama. Oh, never mind. Brit says that the check mark was misplaced, and that it was supposed to go to Wisconsin. Hope that didn’t happen with my ballot.

Major Garrett is on now. I love that name. His parents must have planned all along for him to grow up and have a career in teevee.

And now Brit took Obama’s Ohio electoral votes away and it’s back to 183 – 81. This roller coaster is too wild and crazy for me. I’m opening up a beer.

David Axelrod, Obama’s chief strategist, just used the word “paradigm”. That’s sooo 1988.

9:32 PM I took a little break to grind apples into sauce. Whoever gets elected isn’t going to take office until late January, and it’s going to be a cold, hungry winter no matter what.

On Fox, Obama’s got his 200 votes again but now McCain’s up to 90. Some pundit is talking about “liberals” and a “very liberal agenda”. Now they’re saying that the Democrats are going to push through their liberal agenda when Obama takes office. They’re complaining about the Fairness Doctrine and all sorts of stuff. Whine, whine, whine. I agree that it’s probably not going to be very bipartisan, but you weren’t complaining four years ago, were you?

Bill Kristol, who is not as annoying as James Carville but is pretty close, is praying that Obama starts out his presidency “not too far left” so that he doesn’t totally alienate all the conservatives.

9:39 PM CNN has cut back to McCain’s group at the Biltmore Hotel in Phoenix. Hank Williams, Jr., is playing some sort of bluesy tune on his guitar. At least their soundtrack is a little more in sync with the way things are going now.

CNN’s numbers are (ironically, somehow) more conservative. They haven’t called as many states as Fox News has, and on their ticker Obama has 194 electoral votes and McCain has 69. They’ve got a guy playing with his giant US map trying to demonstrate how McCain might win. It doesn’t look very likely, and Campbell Brown appears quite pleased about that.


9:48 Wolf is back on. I like Wolf. He’s got that fuzzy beard to go along with his name. I don’t find Wolf terribly annoying. I like him a lot more than Anderson, that’s for sure.

Now CNN has McCain at 78 and Obama at 199. I wonder what states they haven’t

DUM DUM DUM DUMDUMDUM CNN PROJECTION

(haha – psyche!)  yet. I could probably go look it up, but I don’t feel like trying to figure it out.

Anderson just used the word “prescient”. Anderson, do you really think your viewers know what “prescient”means? Come on, Anderson. We know you’re smart. Quit showing off.

9:58 The cute guy in the suit on Fox is Bill Hemmer. I’m sure I’ve seen him before, but can’t place him. Whatever. I’m not listening to what he’s saying anyway. I’m just looking at his suit. He’s not very good with the touch screen thing. Practice up, Bill. I’ll just watch you move around in your suit until you figure it out.

10:00: Fox just gave Texas to McCain. He’s up to 129 votes against Obama’s 207. Let’s see what CNN’s got them at. Might as well switch back since Bill’s not on anymore. Brit just doesn’t do it for me. Okay, Wolf’s got McCain still at 89 and Obama at 206. Apparently Texas hasn’t sent the memo to CNN yet. That’s what they get for being so liberal.

10:05 CNN seems to be trying to reassure the republicans. They’re speculating that Obama is going to govern to the “center” or “center left”, rather than the extreme left. They brought up Nancy Pelosi and said that the dems have had congress for two years and haven’t pushed any kind of far-left agenda. James Carville is talking again and it looks like the rest of the people on the set are trying not to crack up. He just said that the republicans have had a “drumming tonight, the likes of which they’ve never seen”. I think Anderson feels about Carville the same way McCain feels about Bush. Buddy, please stop helping me.

10:17 CNN and Fox both have Obama at 207 electoral votes, but Fox has McCain at 135 votes versus CNN’s 95. Both channels are now dissecting the returns and trying to pinpoint which specific categories of people voted for each candidate. Apparently, middle class white Catholics really prefer McCain, but there just aren’t enough of them in Pennsylvania for him to have won.  In seriousness, though, I have to say that I really resent the overreaching assumptions by both CNN and Fox that all African-Americans automatically vote for Obama.

10:40 Everyone has stopped gushing over the presidential results and moved onto the senate seats. They’re wondering if the dems can get 60 people. Of course, Joe Lieberman has his own category. His seat is blue with yellow around it, since no one seems to know what he is. I think there should be a lot more different colors in there, personally.

I’ve had enough of all this jibber jabber. I’m going to turn it off and watch Doctor Who. Meanwhile, let me make a projection:

DUM DUM DUM DUMDUMDUM MOTHER ME PROJECTION

Barack Obama wins the presidency.

In spite of my general cynicism towards both parties, it is pretty refreshing to see someone really different get elected president, assuming my projection is correct. I haven’t heard any griping about chads or anything, so it’s looking pretty good.  Anyway, it’s long overdue for us to elect someone besides a stodgy old white guy to be our president.  The status quo certainly hasn’t done us much good. Now let’s just hope that the change we get is the change we want.

Honestly, the thing that’s got me most excited is all these Norfolk Southern ads. Chooo choooooo!

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2 thoughts on “And The Winner Is….

  1. The Urbane Lion asked me last night if I wanted to watch the U.S. Elections or the second Matrix movie. Ummmmm….gosh….such a tough decision. As it turned out, I got both! Keanu Reeves and the election play by play. That was fun!

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