Liveblogging Our Garage Sale

Edited To Add Photographic Evidence Illustrations

This is not really a liveblogging event. I mean, I don’t have a laptop or a wireless connection, and I’ve been on my feet and running since 7 this morning. So you’re getting a delayed feed. But I know you want all the details of our garage sale, held at my mom’s house, as soon as possible. And I certainly aim to please.

Yard Sign

First of all, if you ever plan to hold a garage sale, you must account for two things. One is that people will be rude, thoughtless, and generally ignorant. They will not read your ad in the paper, which explicitly states that your sale runs FRIDAY AND SATURDAY FROM 9-5. They will, instead, come up with THEIR OWN schedule for YOUR garage sale, which means that you will have persons coming on THURSDAY AT 7PM, or on FRIDAY AT 7 AM. I got to my mom’s house this morning at 8:15, and there was already a horde of cars in the driveway. I couldn’t even pull in to unload my things, which were to be part of the sale. Had these people been considerate, thoughtful and using their brains, they would have waited until the appointed time, and they would have had a whole slew of additional lovely things to pick through and cluck over. Their loss.

Second of all, you must account for people being rude, thoughtless and generally ignorant. I know that I already said this, but it’s doubly true, so it counts twice. People will hold up your items, right in front of you, and make nasty comments about them. “This is UGLY!” (No shit! Why do you think it’s for sale for twenty five cents?!??!) “Who would ever buy this??!” (ME- fifteen years ago!) Etcetera. You must be thick skinned to hold a garage sale.

Here’s a quick rundown of our sale thus far, not entirely live-blogged but fairly accurate, since I took notes on a legal pad (only 5 cents- cheap!). I’ll post more when I get another chance to sit (tomorrow, I bet).

7AM- Woke to fresh coffee, since I was smart enough to set the timer on the pot last night.

7:15- Shower. Dressed. Got cereal for S-almost-4.

7:30- Loaded crap into van to take up to mom’s house

7:45- Printed out signs for my crap, washed off apple for O2.

7:54- Called mom to make sure she was awake (she was NOT)

7:59- Got girls dressed and into van

8:14- Pulled into mom’s house, amid a throng of rabid garage sale goers- not unlike a scene from a Milla Jovovich movie

8:34- Finished pulling crap out of van

8:44- Made first sale of the day: five pieces of girls’ clothing ($1) and a fistful of newborn socks (50 cents).

9:00- Sale “officially” starts- we have already made about $85

9:12- Initial throng tapers off. I make sure kids were not accidentally sold off (they weren’t). We had made about $200 by this time.

from 9:13 – 2:05, we had a slow but steady stream of customers. In this amount of time, we made approximately $10.

The moral of the story is that you should probably hold your garage sale from 9:00 to 9:15, but open a half-hour early to get that initial rush. The rest of the day is hardly worthwhile in comparison.

I’m going back for the last 2 hours now, and we’ll do it all over again tomorrow. More updates with pictures, soon, as long as mom hasn’t sold my camera.

Scene of the disaster


3:47 PM We have had two customers since my last post. The first man left in a huff because I would not sell him a $150 dog kennel (which we have marked at $30.00) for $15. He made some smartass comment about me “not wanting to deal” as he flung his huge, beer-bellied ass into his rusted-out 1963 Chevy van and lurched away into the sunset.

The other man is here right now, going through drawers in my mother’s laundry on the off chance that he finds a piece of dryer sheetage that might be valuable. Oh, wait. Now he’s scavenging metal out of her dumpster.


These people are vultures, I tell you.

I did sell a big item for $75, so perhaps it was worth sitting around for the rest of the afternoon in my mom’s garage, after all.


3:59 PM Oh, look. Here comes another one of those I’ll-drive-by-slowly-and-browse-from-the-street sleazebags. I am fighting an irrepressible urge to push the button on the garage door opener, so that lazy-ass will have to come waddle up my driveway and actually look at the junk we’ve got for sale. Really. I put a lot of time into dragging this crap out of the dusty crevices of my mom’s house. At least come and LOOK at it. PRETEND you might be even a little bit interested, for goodness’ sake.

4:02 PM It’s only 4PM? WTF? Isn’t there Daylight Savings Time this week or something? Can we just skip this last hour?

I am so done with this garage sale.

4:17 PM I’m bored. Bored bored bored. Time to resort to making clever displays, like this Hallowe’en vignette: “Super Hairy Scary Spider, and Icky Sticky Ant, each just 50 cents.”

Icky Sticky Ant

Dorky Sign

1000 Post It Notes

4:23 PM Another customer. This person bought a ruler for a nickel and three jars of polyurethane for 50 cents each. Oh, and I threw in a staple remover on account of this being his lucky day.

4:54 PM I came across another box of junk in mom’s basement. At least there will be more fodder for tomorrow’s customers.

5:05 PM Time to drag in the few pieces we’ve set outside and blow this popsicle stand! WooohoOO! Our sale is officially CLOSED UNTIL TOMORROW!

6:35 PM Two cars pull in the drive.

Are you f’ing kidding me??

Do you not see the ad in the paper, which reads UNTIL 5PM?

Do you not see my sign in the yard, which reads UNTIL 5PM?

Yard Sign clarify

Do you not see that our garage door is closed, and that I am blissfully seated in a reclining chair, drinking a malted brewed beverage?

End of the Day

(Actually, I did that already, and now I’m blogging. But time is sort of fluid in Garage Sale Land, as you can well see.)

Maybe they’re just queueing up for tomorrow morning.


2 thoughts on “Liveblogging Our Garage Sale

  1. See? This is COMPLETELY why the concealed carry law is a bad thing for people like me. I’d’ve totally shot their asses. Or at least been rude and snitty.

  2. I think this was the funniest thing I’ve read all day. I hope you made a fortune! (Well, the meager fortune you can make from a garage sale.)

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