On Sunday mornings, DH likes to laze in bed and watch television news magazines. Ugh. How can he just sit there and watch those babbling little heads-and-shoulders flicker on the screen, snarking about people on the Hill and people in the House and whatnot? It’s like Star magazine for mid-career middle class folks, with more bad hair and less juicy bits.
Anyway, as the pundits on Faux News (I so love that pun, wish I had made it up) were spittling over who would be the next President, and who couldn’t be it, and who shouldn’t be it (but never, never ever who should be it, or why, because that must be far less interesting), I suddenly realized that I had a wonderful solution to the Iraq berbumble we’re currently mired in.
Yes, I know how to get us out of Iraq. And while I’m being a tad snarky here for fun, this plan is actually totally feasible, and not so far off the wall as, say, I don’t know, GOING THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
So. Here’s my line of reasoning:
(1) We’re sending lots of troops, and lots of equipment, and lots of money to Iraq right now.
(2) The troops are dying, or coming back without some of the body parts they went there with, or coming back with extra things like PTSD. Understandably, people do not like this.
(3) The equipment is depreciating faster than the IRS can print new forms, which, we all know, is pretty darn fast.
(4) The money being spent on funding this silly war is nothing compared to the additional money we’re going to have to spend down the road replacing all that used-up equipment, not to mention what we’ll need to spend on veterans’ care for when our soldiers actually get to come home. This doesn’t even take into consideration the quajakabazillion dollars we’ll need to spend on the military’s marketing blitz that will have to occur after the Afghani/Iraqi disaster is over so that we actually have a standing army to defend ourselves from
real future threats once the current army folks’ tours are up.
(5) Most people find the war unpopular, unsavory, and unnecessary. They want the troops home.
(6) Most people concede that it’s not so simple as throwing up our hands, kicking the game board over, and crying, “you’re cheating! I’m going home!!!”. We started this mess, dadgum it. We’d better clean it up.
So I think we should take the current War Budget, put it onto a debit card, and ship it over to the Iraqi parliament. Or whatever they’re calling themselves. We’ll put it on a nice, diplomatic silver-plated tray, carried by a butler with white gloves, and that person can carry it into the room where all the Iraqi leaders who haven’t yet been assassinated are busy leading. There will be a pre-recorded message that the butler can play for everyone as she or he backs away from the silver tray: Here’s our money, you guys. We’re not leaving you all in the lurch. Not really. There’s several billion dollars in funding on this bit of plastic, just like we promised. But, um, while you’re scrambling to validate your Visa card there, we’re going to slip out the back and take our bazookas home, okay? Nice playing with you all! Call us next month and let us know how’s things.
This is a fabulous plan, I tell you. We’re going to spend that money on Iraq anyway; so let’s at least do it without our soliders getting blown up in the process. We’ll save money in the long run, which we can then use to reinstate civics courses in the schools. This will allow children to learn how the Constitution of the United States is really supposed to work, and then they can grow up and run for office and kick out all the lousy incumbent assholes who fucked the whole thing up in the first place. What a side bonus!
I’m telling you, this is a fabulous plan. It’s a lot better than the current one to get us the hell out of there, anyway.