Okay, I’ll admit it– I have a MySpace page. At first, I got an account just so I could read my brother’s blog. Then I got added to someone’s friend list. Then I added someone to mine. Finally, this past weekend, I went to a wedding where I saw a whole slew of old comrades. Of course, they all have MySpace pages. Of course, I added them as friends. Of course, they all added me. I now have a whopping six friends. But that’s a lot of people to manage. I would never know if one of them was online, or if there was some vital message that is ultra-time-sensitive and must be read immediately, unless I log on and check regularly. And so, like a pusher hooks his customers, Tom has sucked me into the whirling vortex of a MySpace Addiction.
It is hellish, this obsessive compulsion to constantly check one’s profile page for new comments. I have signed on no fewer than seventeen times today, looking to see who might have sent me a message or an IM. Worse, each time that I reload my profile I see something that needs tweaked, changed, filled in or edited– just in case someone is reading it. I am SO back in junior high school.
IS THIS MY FREAKING MID-LIFE CRISIS?? Gawd, I hope not.
Anyway, one of the things I wanted was a clever, sassy quotation to head up my profile page with. I actually Googled “Snarky Quotations”, and found so many that I could probaby change my page hourly and not run out for a very long, long time. (Don’t tempt me. I just might.) So I want to dump a list of marvelously snippy zingers here, for future reference on my part and for your obvious reading enjoyment.
- I’m very responsible. Whenever something goes wrong they always say I’m responsible.
- Why do people point to their wrists when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
- “I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.” – E.V. Lucas
- “Just say no” prevents teenage pregnancy the way ‘Have a nice day’ cures chronic depression.
- Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
- A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble, then you chip away everything that doesn’t look like an elephant.
- A rumour without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.
- A self-addressed envelope would be addressed ‘envelope’.
- A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago.
- A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.
- Anarchy is better than no government at all.
- Celibacy is not hereditary.
- How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
- I know it sounds like I’m in denial, but I’m not.
- If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?
- If there was any logic in this world, it would be men who ride side-saddle, not women.
- If Tiger lost his woods, would that be an example of irony?
- It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
- People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
- People will believe anything if you whisper it.
- Some people have a way with words, others not have way.
- Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a seat has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.
- The food that you get in art museums is institutional revenge for the art that you get in restaurants.
- The Moral Majority is neither.
- The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.